Shopping with Mr. Fancy Pants

In case none of you have noticed, but my husband is fancy.   He uses a dry cleaner…ON.A.REGULAR.BASIS.  That in itself, my friends, is fancy.  I mean, I don’t own anything that requires the dry cleaners (actually…I have 1 shirt that is border line).  Sometimes, when he’s about to drop his clothes off for their regular cleaning, he’ll say “babes…do you have anything that needs to go to the dry cleaners?” and mostly I say no.  I can’t be a total non-fancy-pants, so sometimes, I’m all “oh yeah…can you bring that one off white tank top/blouse?” and he’s all “babes…you haven’t worn it since last time” and I’m all “uh…it needs to be cleaned”.  He’s right….but I need to keep face.  Seriously.  It’s hard keeping up with Mr. Fancy Pants & his regular dry cleaning schedule.  I’m SO glad he didn’t ask me if I used a dry cleaner on our first date (or ever…for that matter), we might have never had a second date.  Dodged that bullet.

 

Even though Matt is fancy, he’s hard to shop with.  Mostly because he has a hard time spending any money on himself.  Needless to say, when he says “Babes…can we go buy some clothes” I’m like a dog who’s owner said “lets go for a walk Fido”.  I’m on his heels & giddy.  Last night was one of those nights.  Never mind I’m pregnant & exhausted – WE’RE GOING TO THE MALL!!!  I raced home & scarfed down a Lean Cusine (we are also fancy diners) and off to the mall we went.
First stop, Banana Republic Outlet.  We hit the jackpot with 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of jeans, & 1 pair of shorts (his favorite pair of shorts sprouted about 6 holes this weekend…what can I say?  He must be to sexy for his shorts….RIP fancy patchwork shorts).

 

My husband also has a fancy job.  He’s frequently going to fine dining establishments with super fancy people for “drinks” which turns into dinner too.  He needs to dress the part.  And in order to dress the part for his dinner tonight, we needed to find him some nicer khakis and potentially a sport coat/blazer.

 

Next stop Brooks Brother’s.  Here enlies the problem…most dress stores just have one fit.  Well, that’s most stores in general.  Mr. Fancy Pants needs a “relaxed” fit.  See, from all of his years on the hockey circuit, he obtained a “plump” but firm bum & super thick & muscular quads.  Skinny jeans will NEVER be part of his wardrobe or True Religion – both things built for the weak w/o man muscles.  Poor fella.  After trying on a few pairs of khakis & going up a few sizes, in order to fit his bum & legs in, we found a few pairs…albeit he’ll need a belt to avoid the gaping waste, but whatever, its impossible to find any that even remotely work.

 

*sighs*  Here comes the part thats even harder than pants.  His shoulders…EXTRA-WIDE.   I feel for the man.  Its super hard to find awesome & trendy shirts for him…nothing fits his shoulders.  And with that said, he’s forced into old man stuff.  He tried on a sport coat that was all trendy & sexy AND a XXL.  I was SO excited.  But of course, he couldn’t move his arms & it was skin tight on his biceps.  I was totally disappointed.  The lady sales lady then pointed us to the “old man” section, as I like to call it.  Where there were these all grown up professional, I’m 85 & still in “the business” sport coats.  UGH.  Seriously, they had these navy blue blazers w/ gold buttons – they looked liked something a sailor would wear.  Matt said “those are so east coast”.

Seriously…this was awful, and he’s fancier than this.

 

We did find a pretty plain black one, which would have worked.  But Matt wasn’t sure.  So he gave the lady (keep in mind…she’s like 90 & super slow) his khakis & sport coat to put on “hold” & we’ll be back.  So we power walked to the other end of the mall to SAKS, but had no luck.  So we power walked to the other end of the mall to Neiman Marcus, again, no luck.  On our way back to Brooks Brothers I said

“so…do you NEED the sport coat for tomorrow, or can we wait until we find something you really love”

*insert mumble* “I don’t NEED it for tomorrow”.

 

Well ok then…  Now we’re back to brooks brothers, and there is hesitation about the black blazer because you can’t wear it with the navy blue khakis AND the khaki khaki’s, we’re going to get it.   I found a pair of “taupe” (as they called it) khaki pants, but Matt thought they  looked more green & I thought they looked more gray.  The store had them paired w/ a navy blue blazer.   When I held them up to something black, it looked like they went together, but Matt wasn’t so sure, but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not fancy, I can barely match my own clothes, let alone compile something for my husband to look presentable in  Thankfully, other workers were at Brooks Brothers at this time to help us decide if these “taupe” colored pants were more green or gray & regardless, do they go w/ the black blazer?  They all agreed that the “taupe” pants would look good w/ the black blazer.

 

Awesome.  I’m tired, and we’re set.  We have a blazer and TWO pairs of Khakis.   Now the 90 year old lady is checking us out, she rings up the blazer, and then WHAM!  Matt’s brain light bulb went on…And he says:

“I’m really sorry to do this to you again, but do you mind holding these 3 things again?”

I give him a strange look & we walk out of the store

M: I think you’re right, if I don’t love it, we shouldn’t get it.

C: Ok…that’s fine, but what about the pants?  You need pants…you can’t NOT wear pants tomorrow.  I mean, I know its not the most important meeting ever, but you need pants.

M: I know…but I just put an outfit together in my head from my closet.

C: *sighs*  Ok….can we go home now?

M: I owe you a dairy queen…


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